A Criticism of Kroger "Refresh"

Hello!  

Here I present to you an unsolicited criticism of the the new Kroger grocery stores rebranding effort.  Why?  Because food is hilariously important.  
First, a couple starting notes:

• I've never developed an add campaign, or "refreshed" a brand, so obviously, I'm highly qualified to critique it.

• I have however stood naked in the shower examining the bottle of hair conditioner and wondered: "What the fuck is "clean feeling"? I think the goal here is to actually BE clean, not FEEL clean!"  For some reason, the psychology of addiness is deeply interesting to me.

• I'm pretty sure I'm nobody's target demographic

• “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do.” - Dale Carnegie 

• Lot's of people worked hard on this, and it's well done, for what it is.  Good job people!

• But....

The following images were taken from the Cincinnati Business Courier.

Ok.  Let's begin with a quote from my six-year old daughter given upon seeing the image above: "Eeek....Dad! Don't let me see those creepy people again!"

While I tend to like my cartoon-people a little manic and threatening, I don't put these in that "good" creepy category.  I put these in the "why are all the suspiciously-friendly people about to throw food at me upon the command of the bearded dude?"

My favorite thing about these Krojis, is the mustachioed baby looking calmly, and with a hint of fatigue, at his "adult male supportive figure".  Yeh, I realized, after closer examination, that the baby is yelling/crying/screaming/squealing/gasping, but I enjoy my first observation far better.

This one's for free Kroger: go with babies with mustaches and I'm yer huckleberry!

Imagined conversation on the term Kroji:  "Ok.  So kids these days like them emojis. How do we blend our stale germanic Kroger with the hip freshies?"

"Kroger...Emoji...Kroger...Emoji...Kro...Kro..Kroji!"

Genuine curiosity: Was it old people trying to be cool, or young people actually being cool.  I find myself in the middle not understanding either end of that awkward spectrum.  Again, I 'aint no target demo!

Here is where I take the easy shot of an advertisement image depicting nothing from reality.  A more realistic image would be her looking at her phone about to run over a bunch of people walking IN the OUT door.  I just hope she grabs a bottle of windshield washer fluid she didn't pay for on her way out.  

It's probably the time of year, and the fact these folks are holiday themed, but I'm detecting some serious Frosty the Snowman claymation inspiration.  My question, how will these guys hold up in the summer?  Get these folks in some 1920's wool swimwear!  

Also, why did they not shrink the red box and pull mister sweater into the banner, instead of having an asymmetrical cutout thingy?  

Really, glasses on the savings guy?

Um, unless they are selling human-breast-milk, the only creature I see here that would possibly benefit from Kroger's fresh milk, is the cat thing.  Hardly "Everyone".

Tee hee hee.  Cute little pursed-red-lipped mustache baby.

I'm not saying this is an overt endorsement, but this one is at least boogerean* adjacent.  Now that's some cutting-edge inclusivity!  *It's a joke about picking boogers people

Ok, I get it.  Nobody wants gramma clogging up the aisles.  I endorse this.

Is her apparent terror foreshadowing for what Santa is about to do? However, I do like the word "freshtivities", I wish I had thought of that.  I also like her dope-ass earring.  Well done!

Ah, ye ole engineered balancing act of a white man serving a black woman.  BOOM!  See, even the rogue none-models in the back are skeptical.  If somebody lifted my groceries that high to hand them to me, I wouldn't be smiling.  

Why does Santa want to hurt me with his ninja-star-cookie? At least he looks a little remorseful for what he's about to do.  *I'll take those restrictions now!

And now I'll circle back around to this and the embellished slogan:  "FRESH IS FOR PEOPLE WHO EAT. YES, THAT INCLUDES YOU."

This falls pretty flat to my ears when I live in a "food dessert" where Kroger is closing stores, and the stores that remain are tiny, messy, and certainly don't scream "fresh!" (I'm curious to see if they slap these banners on those stores?).

I'm guessing their new "Fresh for Everyone" is an empty slogan, pinging on the words "Everyone" and "Includes".  While it's nice that their model shopper is a black woman, there are no Kroger's in the predominantly (80-95%) African-American west Dayton where I live.  These are HIGHLY complex issues, and I don't know enough to attack Kroger on this issue.  It's just a little annoying to see, what appears to be, an attempt to exploit marginalized sensibilities without any, how shall we say, skin in the game.

I have nothing against Kroger, I enjoy most of their stores (even though the ones closest to me are shit-holes).  Maybe I am totally misreading the motivation behind their new branding, but I tire of pseudo-activism.  The never-ending slog of handshakes, smiles and balloons surrounding new initiatives with zero accountability and reflection on what sincere good looks like and requires.  

One final note, why in the above image, do all the men (save for the allegedly unspoiled little bundle-boy) have elongated and exposed necks, while all the woman have covered/shielded necks?

Fresh!