And I think to myself...what a wonderful world!

Perhaps it is because I've been away from my family for six months...but I weep easy these days. I was just looking over some old pictures of our family and did the afore mentioned.

When I see my children, and how they grow, I weep at G-d's crazy grace.
When I smell the summer heat, I've learned to settle down thank Him for life.
When I notice the birds (they ever faithful)I weep for joy at the expanse of His Earth.
When I look at my wife I know in the closest way His Great Faithfulness.

I'm just a little cell, but what an honor I have to be able take part in the great stream of life.

The small way

I am nearer. Nearer, that is, to being a fool. It's a struggle I have always had. But these past few months have given me a kind of strength, and while the natural way (old way) drifts towards a selfish-glory strength, the spirit calls me to a humble-servant strength.

I'm still not sure where the great divide from thought to deed came from. Much of my life has been spent in recoil to the "Christian way." That is, I have taken some effort, at various times, to not "appear 'Christian'" Whatever that means. Even to the point of being ashamed of the physical presence of the Bible. I didn't like "easy indicators" of religion, things that people could look at and identify me as a "Christian."

"They should know the Love of G-d through my life." Said I.


I'm thinking, for me, that was mostly the deception of the devil.

So I am quite close to being a fool for me Lord. I think it is necessary for me to stand out in the faith, for it is too easy to hide everything away. I am certainly not speaking of being obnoxious, but I am speaking of not worrying if I am obnoxious or not. G-d has made for me a beautiful life of joy, and He calls me. I really want to answer.

Getting un-ready.

So I have one week left and then off to basic training...I figure I will chronicle this last week a little bit since I never really do that anymore. I actually find the concept of blogging more of a personal project for me as it is always inspiring, amusing, and challenging to look back at things I have said etc.

Everything is crazy.

I feel much as in a dream...the temptation to dive into the nutsiness is thwarted by the fear of puking. I think I am pretty excited but also nervous. I have no idea what I am nervous about.

And that, is a lie.

I am a dreamer. A thinker. An idea maker. A lazy critic.

Here, in one week, I will be doing. All ideas are naught, and action will be my breath. I am terrified mostly out of habit. Not doing much creates a lot of fear of doing something. I am two. My dysfunctional body, and my detached self. My body is nervous, I will mess up and I will shake (I shake even now) and I will blush and I might puke. I will slur my words, and they will sound, as they do these days, as if they are an effort, and I don't want them heard. I will quake and my mind will be blank...my body mind, not my self mind.

My self mind will be standing aside, above...watching. Critic. You silly man, like all the rest, afraid. You silly little uncontrolled man.

I love. And what I will do is for love. I will be shattered, and hooray for that. I will be able to move better for love.

I have given up control. I am most afraid that I will forget that I have not given that control over to just the Government, but to my G-d also. My lovely Lord. Oh God! Please be my. Please be. With me. I don't want to forget you. I want to remember you better.

I will forget. And what rushing terror of love will be the time I remember again. I am a little child. I grow to nothing. The beauty only springs. The stories I have cried grow into your picture. I will be alone but for you. Let me not take the easy way and disappear. Remind me. Make me humble. Make me ready. The way is as important as the goal. Make me remember. Protect my family.

Protect my love.

I love. Silly little love. Great everything love. Blind me.

The Concluding Prayer of the Church

Heavenly Father, in you I live and move and have my being; I humbly pray to you to guide and govern me by your Holy Spirit, that in all the cares and occupations of my life I may not forget you, but may remember that I am ever walking in your sight; through Jesus Christ my Lord. Amen.