Getting un-ready.

So I have one week left and then off to basic training...I figure I will chronicle this last week a little bit since I never really do that anymore. I actually find the concept of blogging more of a personal project for me as it is always inspiring, amusing, and challenging to look back at things I have said etc.

Everything is crazy.

I feel much as in a dream...the temptation to dive into the nutsiness is thwarted by the fear of puking. I think I am pretty excited but also nervous. I have no idea what I am nervous about.

And that, is a lie.

I am a dreamer. A thinker. An idea maker. A lazy critic.

Here, in one week, I will be doing. All ideas are naught, and action will be my breath. I am terrified mostly out of habit. Not doing much creates a lot of fear of doing something. I am two. My dysfunctional body, and my detached self. My body is nervous, I will mess up and I will shake (I shake even now) and I will blush and I might puke. I will slur my words, and they will sound, as they do these days, as if they are an effort, and I don't want them heard. I will quake and my mind will be blank...my body mind, not my self mind.

My self mind will be standing aside, above...watching. Critic. You silly man, like all the rest, afraid. You silly little uncontrolled man.

I love. And what I will do is for love. I will be shattered, and hooray for that. I will be able to move better for love.

I have given up control. I am most afraid that I will forget that I have not given that control over to just the Government, but to my G-d also. My lovely Lord. Oh God! Please be my. Please be. With me. I don't want to forget you. I want to remember you better.

I will forget. And what rushing terror of love will be the time I remember again. I am a little child. I grow to nothing. The beauty only springs. The stories I have cried grow into your picture. I will be alone but for you. Let me not take the easy way and disappear. Remind me. Make me humble. Make me ready. The way is as important as the goal. Make me remember. Protect my family.

Protect my love.

I love. Silly little love. Great everything love. Blind me.