Have I mentioned before that I probably have a "seasonal mood structure"? I think it MIGHT run in the family...but there it is... with a cyclical precision that I have yet to chart, I get...moody.
The last couple of days have been such. I think I might be justified in feeling this way a little bit. It has been 6 months since I lived with my family, and 2.5 to go. I woke up alone last night and stared at my uniforms in my closet, at the rank insignia on my sleeves, wondering what I was doing so far away from my beloved family. It's obvious on a logical (yet bizarrely illogical) level what I am doing, taking care of my family the best way I know how. This time is almost over, but that doesn't change the mood.
I just plain miss my family. I get to see Emily for nice four day weekend this weekend. But even this strikes me as somewhat insane...how much effort (baby sitters, plane tickets, hotels, waivers for staying out of my dorm etc etc) it takes just to see my own wife for a couple of days. It can just be very...strange. I sometimes start to get sick to my stomach like I'm stuck in a terrible dream.
And the happy ending. I'm not "in the depths of despair" for certain, that would be just plain pagan of me...
For crying out loud, try your best not to take love and comfort for granted.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Daily
Its a good morning. I have been without a room mate for a week now...it's been a blessing not having a stinky-rap music lovin-messyface person living with me...I suppose there is no way to make it the next few months this way...but its been nice.
Last night I finally rigged a blanket to cover the entire window making my room a virtual-night in the middle of day...because that's when I am supposed to sleep...in the middle of the day.
I was able to write a couple letters I've been putting off. Of course, there a few more that I might be able to write...if a certain sister, who is younger than me, and with child, would resume her writing to her poor/cut-off brother.
And, so far, as I said, it's a nice day...getting hot, but with a steady breeze. Please G-d, poor your blessings on my air conditioner and give it "extra cooling power"...in your Wisdom of course. Amen.
Last night I finally rigged a blanket to cover the entire window making my room a virtual-night in the middle of day...because that's when I am supposed to sleep...in the middle of the day.
I was able to write a couple letters I've been putting off. Of course, there a few more that I might be able to write...if a certain sister, who is younger than me, and with child, would resume her writing to her poor/cut-off brother.
And, so far, as I said, it's a nice day...getting hot, but with a steady breeze. Please G-d, poor your blessings on my air conditioner and give it "extra cooling power"...in your Wisdom of course. Amen.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thrill us.
Michael Jackson died.
CNN and FOX news have been blasting this to the exclusion of all other news. As if nothing else in the world was happening, or everything that is usually reported was just filling time until something important happened...like the death of the King of Pop. Never mine the revolution in Iran, or the pending war with youngest-brat-child North Korea.
At first I was disgusted at the amount of emotion Michael Jackson death was causing people who didn't even know him. But then I remembered that I was saddened (granted, not to tears) by the death of Paul Newman. I tried to justify it, "Paul Newman stood for something, he was a Man." But that's an equal argument to any that could be offered up for reasons why the death of Mr. Jackson should cause such a commotion.
So are we that sad that somebody died? Not really, you see, Michael Jackson died, but so did 25,000 (source: UN World Food Programme) people from hunger alone. That happens everyday, and we don't feel sad everyday. So it can't be we are sad that somebody died, maybe we just are sad that we don't have the comfort of knowing that, if we wanted, we can wonder what exactly Michael Jackson is doing...right now!
I think it's actually part of the discovery that something is not right. Death of loved ones is crushing, but we all know it's coming. Death of stars and world leaders is unerving, everyone dies...and we don't like that. And we are right not to like it...nobody is supposed to die. That's not the way it was supposed to happen. But we like comfort, and it's comforting to have celebrities, perhaps, it is also comforting to get upset when they die.
Michael Jackson died.
So did 25,000 mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters.
Oh yeh, and Farrah Fawcett did too.
CNN and FOX news have been blasting this to the exclusion of all other news. As if nothing else in the world was happening, or everything that is usually reported was just filling time until something important happened...like the death of the King of Pop. Never mine the revolution in Iran, or the pending war with youngest-brat-child North Korea.
At first I was disgusted at the amount of emotion Michael Jackson death was causing people who didn't even know him. But then I remembered that I was saddened (granted, not to tears) by the death of Paul Newman. I tried to justify it, "Paul Newman stood for something, he was a Man." But that's an equal argument to any that could be offered up for reasons why the death of Mr. Jackson should cause such a commotion.
So are we that sad that somebody died? Not really, you see, Michael Jackson died, but so did 25,000 (source: UN World Food Programme) people from hunger alone. That happens everyday, and we don't feel sad everyday. So it can't be we are sad that somebody died, maybe we just are sad that we don't have the comfort of knowing that, if we wanted, we can wonder what exactly Michael Jackson is doing...right now!
I think it's actually part of the discovery that something is not right. Death of loved ones is crushing, but we all know it's coming. Death of stars and world leaders is unerving, everyone dies...and we don't like that. And we are right not to like it...nobody is supposed to die. That's not the way it was supposed to happen. But we like comfort, and it's comforting to have celebrities, perhaps, it is also comforting to get upset when they die.
Michael Jackson died.
So did 25,000 mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters.
Oh yeh, and Farrah Fawcett did too.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Curiousi
Well, here is the deal. Mid-September I will be done with Tech School and moving to Charleston SC to work on a large transport/carrier called the C-17 Globemaster III.
What do I mean "work on"? I will be troubleshooting and replacing communication and navigation systems. I am still enjoying the whole experience, and find it strange to be learning something that I am actually going to use...it's a good feeling.
It will be nice to live on the ocean, and within a few hours of my parents. There is one Whole Foods there so that's a start at least. I am very excited to be done with this portion of my training and get to live at home with my family for the first time in 8 months.
All I can say is, It's a wonderful Life.
What do I mean "work on"? I will be troubleshooting and replacing communication and navigation systems. I am still enjoying the whole experience, and find it strange to be learning something that I am actually going to use...it's a good feeling.
It will be nice to live on the ocean, and within a few hours of my parents. There is one Whole Foods there so that's a start at least. I am very excited to be done with this portion of my training and get to live at home with my family for the first time in 8 months.
All I can say is, It's a wonderful Life.
Friday, June 5, 2009
The small way
I am nearer. Nearer, that is, to being a fool. It's a struggle I have always had. But these past few months have given me a kind of strength, and while the natural way (old way) drifts towards a selfish-glory strength, the spirit calls me to a humble-servant strength.
I'm still not sure where the great divide from thought to deed came from. Much of my life has been spent in recoil to the "Christian way." That is, I have taken some effort, at various times, to not "appear 'Christian'" Whatever that means. Even to the point of being ashamed of the physical presence of the Bible. I didn't like "easy indicators" of religion, things that people could look at and identify me as a "Christian."
"They should know the Love of G-d through my life." Said I.
I'm thinking, for me, that was mostly the deception of the devil.
So I am quite close to being a fool for me Lord. I think it is necessary for me to stand out in the faith, for it is too easy to hide everything away. I am certainly not speaking of being obnoxious, but I am speaking of not worrying if I am obnoxious or not. G-d has made for me a beautiful life of joy, and He calls me. I really want to answer.
I'm still not sure where the great divide from thought to deed came from. Much of my life has been spent in recoil to the "Christian way." That is, I have taken some effort, at various times, to not "appear 'Christian'" Whatever that means. Even to the point of being ashamed of the physical presence of the Bible. I didn't like "easy indicators" of religion, things that people could look at and identify me as a "Christian."
"They should know the Love of G-d through my life." Said I.
I'm thinking, for me, that was mostly the deception of the devil.
So I am quite close to being a fool for me Lord. I think it is necessary for me to stand out in the faith, for it is too easy to hide everything away. I am certainly not speaking of being obnoxious, but I am speaking of not worrying if I am obnoxious or not. G-d has made for me a beautiful life of joy, and He calls me. I really want to answer.
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